Foreword / by Jamie Lee Curtis

Prologue: The messenger

Mercy

Club fame: members only

Big nose Stamos

The key and the keyhole

Flash in the pants

The yellow basket bandanna

Tinkering with the tip

NEET girls

Slappin' skins with the candy man

Golden handcuffs

The chase

Down the rabbit hole

Satans and saints

The odd couple of mentors

Your baby's a pig

Beach Boy bingo, I win!

Smoke one for me, Johnny

Keep my name alive

These are the good old days: A donkey called peppermill

God only knows

I can!

Life is a cabernet

Antonio: a rich, creamy Spanish soup

Negotiate my balls

The big D

Shitting the bed

Burn

Blunder down under

Bye bye Bob's knee

Curtain call

The real best man

I love you more

Bang

The odyssey

Disney girl

The high clown settles down

Cake

Epilogue: If you would have told me.