Jenny Lawson, full-grown mammal: an introduction

I already forgot I wrote this

Six times I've lost my shoes while wearing them: a list that shouldn't exist

And then I bought condoms for my dog

Rainbow fire

All of the reasons why I'm not coming to your party

Samuel L. Jackson is trying to kill me

How do dogs know they have penises?

These truisms leave out a lot of the truth

An open letter to my health insurance company

I'm not going outside anymore

The things we do to quiet the monsters

The golden (shower) years

Awkwarding brings us together

That time I got haunted by lizards with bike horns

We are who we are until we aren't anymore

Introverts unite! (But sweet baby Jesus, not in real life)

My dentist hates me

Am I even still alive?

The secret to a long marriage

So I'm paying to beat the shit out of myself?

Anxiety is a lost watch I never saw

The eight billionth argument I had with Victor this week

Sometimes there is beauty in breaking

No one wants your handwritten "Good for one free massage" coupons, Darryl

I feel it in my bones

Editing is hell, mostly for editors

The first satanic ritual I ever saw

Damaged good(s)

My house is a garbage fire because I clean it

And that's why I can never go back to the post office again

I am a magpie

Up divorce creek without a paddle (because the guide didn't trust me not to push Victor overboard with it)

Eclipse (not the Twilight book, the other kind)

Business ideas to pitch on Shark Tank

Strange new weather patterns

Souls.